Anspgelike 2 Slow Food
by SlashAS
Summary: Spike spills his can of Fosters all over Angel's new jacket, the cleaning bill is 65. To pay it, Spike gets a job at the Wolfram and Hart branch of the Doublemeat Palace.


Anspgelike 2

Slow Food

Spike is drinking a can of lager.

Spike: I never knew lager came in so many flavours, woodpecker, even kangaroo.

Angel: What's that?

Spike: What's what?, don't tell me you're going blind again. Like the time we were stuck in that bloomin dungeon for three days with the light shining down the middle.

Angel: What is it?

Spike: You don't bloody listen do you? Oh you said, oh I can't bear the light cos I'm such a big poof and my long poncy hair can't shield me from it, it was only indirect and you still couldn't bear it.

Angel: More like you couldn't.

Spike: If I recall correctly, it was you that had the passion for the renaissance wig, and you that took it off and held it up to your face, now you're just making excuses.

Angel: If life was about making excuses, I'm sure you'd be the first one to stake yourself.

Spike: Too right I would.

Angel: Oh goody, then I'm just going to get my firm to pass a law making making excuses legal.

Spike: I'm sure you could do that, but then you'd have to make an excuse for passing the law and then there's all the senate crap and they'd have to make more excuses just to get it under wraps and I don't think any of them can be bloody arsed me thinks.

Angel: You and your big mouth.

Spike: You and your special conscience

Angel: Which you also have.

Spike: But the difference is, the big difference is that I don't bother to use it too often.

Angel: Sidharta Gautama said that the soul can be affected by good and bad karma.

Spike: Oh fuck what Sid Gau whatever said, and it's Buddha.

Angel: Therefore by helping the helpless we are burning off our bad karma.

Spike: Bu double D Ha Ha.

Angel: I can see that you will become reincarnated as a hyena when you turn to dust.

Spike: Well that's just marvellous, but for now I'll just use this can of larger as a focus for my meditation.

Spike pretends to meditate.

Spike: ohm ohm lager, get wasted, ohm ohm booze.

Angel looks agitated by Spike's actions.

Angel: Spike reflecting upon his life hey?

Spike: You know this crap actually works, I'm starting to feel a bit in the high zone already.

Spike spins around frantically.

Spike: Bud the Wiser certainly had his head screwed on when he invented all this peace love shit. Oh Angel did I ever say that your coat makes me jealous. Armani, so expensive and .

Spike falls onto Angel and spills his Lager all over Angel's new jacket.

Angel: Watch the coat, I just had it cleaned this morning by my secretary.

Spike: Harmony the Harm, she's so good when she tries to stake me with a broom handle. So Domesticated she is.

Angel: My coat you've ruined it, It's gonna cost sixty five dollars to get it clean again and guess who's footing the bill?

Spike: The Angel's Clothing Empathy Society. ACES, that has a nice ring to it.

Angel: No, you.

Spike: Me? Well I ain't got no money cos you've never given me any since last week.

Angel: And what happened to it?

Spike: Spent it on currency.

Angel: Kittens how sweet, no wonder the LASPCA get so many complaints.

Spike: I can't pay.

Angel: Could try the bailiffs.

Spike: They're not having my coat.

Angel: No don't think they'd want it actually, unless they wanted to star in the stage version of the Matrix.

Spike: Hey quit it with the insults. Wow I never knew my hand was so big. I'm going to turn in before I explode.

Angel: You better, cos I'm cross with you Master Spike.

It is morning and Angel is shaking Spike forcing him to awaken suddenly.

Angel: Wakey wakey rise and shine, the sun's up and it's time for you to die.

Spike: We're both dead, you really are blind.

Angel: You're so going to die.

Spike: And may I ask why?

Angel: I just got you a job.

Spike: I've already got a job, helping the helpless, which includes you, Isn't that the job description?

Angel: You're just doing that voluntary.

Spike: Oh is that how the good folks at Wolf and Ram's Hart see me? One big donation bucket .

Angel: We pay you.

Spike: Of time.

Angel: Er I pay you

Spike: Peanuts, if that's what the Law abiding party think of me, an employee to be treated as a another freebie for the greater good, then I'll just piss off.

Angel: Do you want more respect, and more money?

Spike: Now you're speaking my language.

Angel: Well I got just the thing. And remember you'll owe me one for this.

Spike: This sounds quite my kind of thing.

Angel: Sixty five dollars to be precise.

Spike: And just what is it that pretty noggin of yours has in mind?

Angel: Lets just say it's a new division, that's just been started, and you're going to play a major part in the whole experience.

Spike and Angel are behind the counter of the Wolfram and Hart branch of the Doublemeat Palace.

Angel: Welcome to the Doublemeat experience!

Spike: Wo, wait just a bleedin' minute, this is your clever plan.?

Angel: Yeh, you're working in the catering division today to cover for Ted who lost his leg in the grinder yesterday.

Spike: Dear me how unfortunate.

Angel: Don't worry, he's still got the other seven.

Spike: Bloody clumsy Arachnids.

Angel: Quite funny really.

Spike: Did he scurry away in fright?

Angel: No he rinsed his leg down the plug hole.

Spike: Must have been a darn big hole.

Angel: He could have just flushed it down the toilet or thrown it out of the window, but why do they always choose to shove it down the plughole?

Spike: Beats me.

Angel: Start work then.

Spike: Er, and just what is it that you expect me to do?

Angel: You put the meat on the grill and when it beeps you flip it over.

Spike: Oh great, this should be fun. I can just forget to flip the beef and spit in the bread buns and then they can close this place down and I can go back to being a vigilante.

Angel: Bad idea putting you on grill then. Okay I'll put Bill or Derek on grill, move Harmony onto cleaning detail and you can go on counter.

Spike: Why is Harmony scrubing the decks of this fine vessel of yours?

Angel: She owes me thirty dollars and cleanings daily cash in hand and secretary is paid into bank monthly.

Spike: Oh you are so evil, I can just see that you'll be getting your cronies to pick a pocket or two like Fagin next.

Angel: You really do come out with some rubbish.

Spike: And you expect me to get grease on my clothes.

Angel: Don't worry I got you a uniform.

Spike: I'm not wearing a hat with a chicken on it.

Angel: Yes you are.

Spike: Do I even have a say?

Angel: Nope.

Spike: I hope it's black.

Angel: It's red.

Spike: Just like old times.

Angel: Remember Buffy?

Spike: Oh that was a laugh, you know we had

Angel: You'd do it for Buffy won't you. Remember what she had to do during those long double shifts at the Sunnydale branch. Oh there's no way I would have done that. But she did it and I'm proud of her.

Spike: Ah yes I remember the times that we made love behind the grill perfectly.

Angel shoves a uniform into Spike's hands.

Angel: You're sick, you really are.

Spike: Yes I am, I'll just go home to rest then.

Angel: You're not getting out of this. And as another sign of humiliation.

Spike: What?

Angel: Ta da, badge with your name on it.

Spike: That's the wrong badge.

Angel: Erm, It's got your name on it.

Spike: Willy?

Angel: Well Spike isn't family friendly. You will be serving lots of kids today and we like to keep that non threatening atmosphere.

Spike: Oh and is the guy who cuts up the bread called Richard by any chance? cos you'd just love to change his name to Dick to add to the whole deal wouldn't you ?

Angel: Well what else, Wils is taken by your future king and Will has just recently become the official trademark of Will Smith.

Spike: Talk all bloody blather with you.

Angel gives Spike a wide smile

Angel: Now get out there and do your duty soldier.

Spike: Yes sir.

Angel leaves the room and hides behind the corner.

Spike: Hey, what does that say? Derek, did you know that the boss is a ponce.

Angel: I heard that, get to work.

Spike: Im just saying the password to log on to the till.

Angel: Your code is 0008.

Spike: Oh and I suppose yours is 0007.

Angel: I cannot disclose that information.

Spike: It bloody is.

Angel: I'm going to sit in my office and look at the sun.

Spike: And it can burn you to a crispy French fry.

Angel leaves and hides behind the corner again.

Angel: I gotta see this.

Spike gets to work on the counter.

Spike: What's with all these damn pictures? I can't tell the Doublemeat medley from the Large Doublemeat medley that's just more veg. Whoops.

Angel laughs silently to himself.

Spike: Yes how can I help you dearie?

Angel: Since when is Spike all polite?

Spike: So that's two chicken burgers and a blueberry pie. Hey Derek put some more pies in the oven will ya?

Angel remains silent.

Spike: Okay that's seven ninety five then please. Thank you. Yes I do believe I have bright future ahead of me here at Doublemeat.

Angel laughs.

Spike: Hey Bill that was a really nice lady, do you think I did okay there? Yeh you're right, guess it is a bit nerve racking your first time, was it for you.? Oh we're getting all two faced now are we? Can you believe that she fell for the old I will get my ten year badge gimmick?

Angel looks confused.

Spike: Oh no the family. Hey sorry kept you waiting guys, it's my first day n'that.

Angel: Poor Spike. Oh the agony.

Spike: What can I get you? Three small Medley's one Large and four extra large shakes, all vanilla. Would you like fries with that?

Angel: Look at Pop, looks like doesn't want to spend any more, apart from on himself.

Spike: Just one super fries extra crispy. Any salt on your fries? Look I know I'm asking you all these questions but it's what I have to do. Any dips? Yes, that's an extra twenty five cents, so that's a no then?

Angel laughs

Spike: Hello darling, yes that name is funny, but it doesn't say that. I'm sorry sir I do realise that we can't expose our children to such filth, but it says Wildy. It's my nickname, cos I was raised in the woods so I'm a bit of wildman.

Angel: Such a bad excuse as ever was heard.

Spike: I know it says that and I'll get my manager to correct the spelling mistake immediately.

Angel laughs

Spike: I can assure you that I am not a convicted felon and never will be sir, but I have serious doubts about those higher up the scale.

Angel: It's time to put the scales in balance.

Spike: That's Nineteen fifty please, thank you, enjoy your meal. That's all them done, now I can lean on the desk a bit.

Angel: Hey Wildy?

Spike: Yup, that's me.

Angel: You have another customer.

Spike: I don't see any.

Angel: He's standing right here.

Spike: Okay then boss, what can I get ya?

Angel: Just a small Doublemeat medley with cheese.

Spike: Or should that be Cheese with Owen?

Angel: Shut up.

Spike: Okay one medley coming up.

Angel: Oh yeh and I want a side order of Large fries and a Super coke.

Spike: Okay.

Angel: And a Chicken Special grilled to perfection.

Spike: That will be an extra five minutes while we wait for your chicken.

Angel: Eighteen Medium medleys, Fourteen Large fries, Three small fries and a side salad.

Spike: Don't talk so fast.

Angel: Nine medium Lemonades, four medium cokes, two large, a small chocolate shake, a super strawberry and a bottle of Squash..

Spike: Hey hey big spender.

Angel: Oh and erm, A Mega Doublemeat Medley bucket, ten small fries, five beans, three corn, two salads. Four orange sodas, Four Cokes, Two Lemonades all large.

Angel's phone rings to the tune of Mandy.

Angel: One moment. I was gonna get the crazy frog, but I just got so sick of hearing the damn thing.

Spike: Bloody bloody

Angel answers his phone

Angel: Yeh.

Angel raises his voice.

Angel: What did you say, I can't hear you in here it's too noisy.

Spike: Hell.

Angel: Yeh, I'll get it in a minute, and you want that too, yeh, I'm just in the Doublemeat, I'll be there in fifteen minutes if the service hurries up, they're so damn slow in here you know. Bye.

Angel ends the call.

Spike: And what else does his majesty require of his slaves.

Angel: Just Twenty hamburgers, Ten regular fries, Five medium, three large, two Super size, and Two Lattes, Two Cappuchinos.

Spike: We only do Coffee before eleven.

Angel: Oh that's just great, coffee shops are open all day. I will be registering a complaint with the manager.

Spike: You're going to register a complaint with yourself.

Angel: I certainly am and to start we are going to serve Coffee from start to finish, do you hear me?

Spike: Yes sir. Derek put the grill on full whack. Bill can't you put those lids on any faster? Look at the speed my damn fingers are going.

Angel: Right one Squash, Ten Chocolate Shakes, Three Large cokes and Thirty Bottles of Still Spring water.

Spike: Anything else?

Angel: Seventy eight barbecue dips, I hope that's enough.

Spike: It bloody well should be.

Angel: That's it.

Spike: I hope you've got enough room in that shrivelled stomach of yours for all that.

Angel: Well what does that come to?

Spike: Two thousand nine hundred and thirty seven dollars.

Angel: You should know that as Manager I get all this for free.

Spike: I can see that I'm not gonna get my wages at the end of the day.

Angel: Don't worry I only get mine free. The first thing on the list.

Spike: What? Okay that comes to Two thousand nine hundred and Thirty two dollars then please.

Angel: Isn't my star employee being all professional?

Spike: He sure bloody damn is. And the cows have just started jumping over the moon to the sound of the fiddle because they're worried that they're about to be put onto the endangered species list.

Angel: This only a one off for the party this afternoon.

Spike: What party?

Angel: Have you forgotten that it's Gunn's Birthday?

Spike: Oh is the short changed vamp not invited cos he can't afford the entrance fee of a present.

Angel: You can come.

Spike: And I can guess that the food isn't healthy?

Angel: Right here's your money.

Spike: Mind if I put this in my pocket, for erm safekeeping?

Angel: No put it in the register and take seventy dollars out for yourself, cos your shift's over and you're coming to the party with me.

Spike takes off his uniform and changes into his own clothes.

Spike: That's better, but I think I'll shower before I go.

Angel: That's new from you.

Spike: Dirt is one thing but the smell of burgers is another.

Angel: Before you go, there's something you need to do.

Spike: What?

Angel takes sixty five dollars from Spike.

Spike: What the hell?

Angel: That's the money you owe me.

Spike looks at the money he has left.

Spike: Well I always knew that not doing crime would pay.

Angel takes three dollars away from Spike.

Spike: Hey that's mine.

Angel: That's for your entrance fee of one present for Gunn, I picked the present, It's the new 50 Cent single that he wanted.

Spike: I do all that for two measly bucks, Your wages are despicable.

Angel: And you have two dollars to spend on whatever you like. Now doesn't being a vigilante pay well?

Spike: Wait until it's your birthday, I have a special surprise planned.

Angel: I can't wait.

Spike: How about I give it you now.

Angel: Give it to me.

Spike punches Angel in the face.

Angel: Hey.

Spike and Angel fight.

Spike: Looks like we're gonna miss the party.

Angel: Would have been boring, the entertainment division is swamped. Gunn's got some kid's magician to keep him happy

Spike: Guess we can entertain them then.

Angel: Yeh.

Angel and Spike resume their fight.


End file.
